SG1 jokes
by Vala101
Summary: Hilarious jokes for Stargate fans


...Seething Jack picks up his phone and dials a number he knows all to well. "Maybourne you stupid such of a bitch! When I get my hands on you...your dead." The voice from the other side responded, "What you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" Jack admitted, that didn't sound like Maybournes voice .  
"My name is General Hammond, you moran!"

Surprised Jack snaps back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?"  
"No" Hammond replied truthfully.

"Good!" Jack replied and puts down the phone. "Guess i'm lucky that pretty much hates Maybourne!"

...SG-1 was on a routine mission to some random planet and Daniel was studying ancient writing. When suddenly Jack runs up to him yelling, "Daniel I just saw the most amazing thing! You know that 'holy water fountain' that Sam keeps insisting is a piece of crap. Well this crippled villager came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!"

Daniel is awe struck by what he just heard. "Wow Jack that's amazing, we have to study the water it could be a break through to heal all illnesses! Where's the man now?"

Jack smiles and replies, "flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain!"

...Jack invited his team over for Thanksgiving and for once he actually managed to not burn anything. As he placed the turkey on the table, Sam was shocked at how meager it was. It couldn't feed more then to people at most!

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" Sam asked sarcastically.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, "I do not believe so Major Carter...it appears to be dead!"

...Jack's idea of a perfect day:  
Teal'c is on the cover of "Strongest men alive."  
His home is on the cover of "House And Gardens."  
His boyfriend Daniel is on the cover of "Cute Nerds."  
Sam and Jonas are on the back of a milk carton.

...One day after a mission, Sam found Daniel crying in his office. She grew concerned and asked, "Why are you crying?" Daniel replied: After the whole ascension thing I finally remembered that i'm dating Jack. Some things are still a little blurry. But I do remember that we moved in together and he's waiting at home to shower me in affection.

Sam got a little jealous: SO WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

Daniel answered: I forgot where I live!

...Lord Yu: Thor, I want you to appoint another human representative.  
Thor: And why is that?  
Lord Yu: Because your human representative isn't interested in this treaty.  
Thor (to his favorite human): Do you have any comments on lords Yu's request?  
Jack: I'm sorry, little buddy, I wasn't listening.

...How many Jacks does it take to change a light bulb?  
None. What light bulb? He doesn't even know he has an office!

How many Teal'cs does it take to change a light bulb?  
Only one but he prefers candles, there better during kel'nor'reem.

How many Daniels does it take to change a light bulb?  
None. He's evolved into a glow in the dark jelly fish.

How many Sam's does it take to change a light bulb?  
Why does she need a light bulb? With those armbands Anise gave them she can see in the dark.

How many Asgard does it take to change the light bulb?  
One to beam the new light bulb into place and two to set the ship to self-destruct.

How many Tollen does it take to change a light bulb?  
None. Why would we need your primitive Taur'i technology?

...Walking into the locker room, Janet saw the Colonel with his forehead against a locker. He was muttering, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Janet concerned for her friend, since Jack had only escaped from Ba'als fortress a few weeks ago. She tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" Janet asked. "Can I help?"

Jack lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get Daniel out of his locker. Damn marines they think they can push anyone around!"

...Jack picks up the phone and says, "I want to speak to Senator Kinsey...its an emergency." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but the senator died last week." The next day Jack phones again and says, "I NEED to speak with the senator!" Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but the senator died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I really NEED to speak with the senator!" "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that senator Kinsey died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

Jack grins and replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

...SG-1 were at a briefing about what happened on there last mission. The General noticed that every time Jack tried to get Jonas's attention, he preceded his request by calling him "Kiddo", "Buddy", etc..etc. Hammond looked at the Colonel and said, "That's really nice that you keep giving him nicknames, especially after what happened with Daniel!"

Jack grinned sheepishly, "Well honestly, I just forgot his name."

...Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jack: So it wouldn't have to do paperwork!

Sam: So it could get away from stalkers!

Teal'c: To be free of Apophis

Daniel: So it could stop Jack from shooting up villagers!  
Jonas: A chicken? I'm sure that was mentioned somewhere in Daniels notes.

Hammond: Why is there a chicken on my base?  
Janet: To escape my needles of DOOM  
Tollen: Is this 'chicken' a primitive creature?  
Anise/Freya: What is a chicken...is it cute?  
Asgard: This chicken could be the key..to our cloning problem  
Ba'al: Maybe I should stab it?  
Kinsey: It will help me become president  
Lord Yu: Where Am I? *senile in his old age*  
Maybourne: A chicken..this could be my get out of jail-free card

...Annoyed with Senator Kinseys refusal to reinstate the Stargate program, Jack was losing his (short) temper. He surged to his feet and asked icily, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?" The senators face turned red and he roared, "Hell no! Another word and i'll have you court-martialed!"

Jack nodded and asked "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"

Kinsey was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts." Jack smiled slyly and replied "Well in that case senator, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

...Maybourne and Jack were driving across the country to gain some NID info.  
Of course Maybourne was driving when he got pulled over by the highway patrol.  
The officer said, "Sir did you know you were speeding?"

Maybourne had water logged ears, courtesy of Jack trying to drown him in the pond. He turned to his driving partner and asks, "What did he say?"  
Jacks yells at him, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman although puzzled asks, "May I see your license?"  
Maybourne turns to Jack again and asks, "What did he say?"

More then a little amused Jack yells back, "He wants to see your license!"  
As instructed Maybourne hands the officer his license, looking as if just shot someone.

The patrolman comments, "I see you are from Washington. I spent some time there once and ended up meeting the biggest loser in the world."  
Maybourne turned to his companion and asked "What did he say?"

Almost laughing by now Jack yells, "He said he knows you!"

...Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and Jonas are sitting around the house.  
"Hey" Sam whispers to Daniel, "I bet I can make Jack happier then you ever could!"  
"Oh yeah?" Daniel comments, "I bet you can't."  
So Sam stands up, walks to the middle of the room, and does this really sexy, erotic dance. Jack looks pleasantly surprised.  
"Well" Daniel retorts, "I bet I can make Jack...even happier then that."  
"Oh yeah?" says Sam, "I bet you can't."  
So Daniel stands up, walks over to Jonas .. and knocks him out.

...Jack, Daniel, Jonas and Maybourne are stranded on an island in the middle of the sea. The only way off is to swim to the mainland, 4 miles away.

Daniel swims 1 mile but he gets tired and is forced to ascend again.

Jonas swims 2 miles, but his insecurities on whether he can live up to Daniel's reputation drowns him... literally.

Jack swims 3 miles but unfortunately his knees give out.

Maybourne swims 3.99 miles feels tired and swims all the way back for a rest. 

...SG-1 sets up headquarters in the opening of a forest. The commander of the unit, Colonel O'Neill and his team set up their tent. After posting Teal'c on night duty they fall asleep. Some hours later, the Colonel wakes his CO.

Jack sighs. "Major look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

"I see millions of stars!"

"What does that tell you, Carter?" Jack asks.

Sam ponders for a minute then replies, "Well astronomically speaking sir, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why sir what does it tell you?"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Major Carter, I believe O'Neill is trying to tell you someone has stolen our tent."

...General Hammond of the Air Force, and Admiral Roberts of the Navy are sitting around discussing whose troops are more brave. The Admiral announces, "my SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible" as he reaches for the phone. Well Hammond is upset with this and promptly calls for his best soldier.

When the two representatives have arrived, the Admiral states, "Since it was my idea..i'm first!" He turns to the SEAL and says "I want you to swim across that 7 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that huge mountain and return with 2 bird eggs...unbroken of course."

The SEAL (being the obedient soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. The SEAL swam across the 7 miles (all the while beating off blood thirsty sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (after fighting with pissed off birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks). He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The General Hammond says, "Very nice gentlemen but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST soldier (Colonel Jack O'Neill) and says "I want you to go across that sea, up the far cliff, through the 2 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

Colonel Jack looks at General Hammond, then the cliff and again back to the General. "No Way SIR!" he gives a proper hand salute and walks away. General Hammond turn towards the other commander (whose jaw has unhinged itself) and says, "Now my friend, that's BRAVERY..."


End file.
